RDJ*

rdj bike??????????rdj rd

Because I don’t really want to see the last post I made when I look at my blog, I’m leaving you with a much nicer piece of eye candy.

And – for reals? Go see “The Judge”. You owe it to yourselves. Phenomenal. The acting, the script, the cinematography  . . .  Don’t research the crap out of – just go. It’s better to not know all the deets.

Happy Friday! xoxo

*Not to be confused with “RJC Jr.” . . .

Consequences and side effects

KurtHalsey2

” risk taking is not about going into something dangerous, it is about determining that the benefit of what be (sic) achieved greatly outweighs any consequence.  Not having you is worse than any possible side effect. ”  – Bob to Viktoria

I had all of this in my head at 4 a.m.

I doubt much of it will translate to my blog properly, or I should say, as clearly and as thoroughly as I’d like it to.  Not too sure it was ever all that tidy in my brain, either. But here goes nuthin’:

I have been extremely sad and angry, somewhat directed at life in general, a lot directed at Vikwhoria, but most of – the worst of it – a straight shot to Bob. When he was communicating with me, his spin for cheating was “See? You don’t even like me!”

Did I love him? Yes.  But did I like his behavior? Hell no.

In trying to vent my frustration and disbelief, my anguish and shock, I said some nasty things. Some very inappropriate things.  Factors that I never would have even thought about, let alone uttered. I wanted to – needed to – figure out why he cheated. I needed to understand how it happened. How could I go from the “love of his life” to meaning less than zero to him?

What about the hundreds of times he told me about others cheating and how disgusting it is? He slammed those people up one side and down the other. It was like an automatic “I don’t like you!” as soon as he found out. He wanted to kick my ex-husband’s ass every time he saw him. “I hate that he hurt you. How could he ever do that to you, my love?”

So much hypocrisy. From someone who told me that I didn’t respect his integrity.

Since he stopped acknowledging me, (and I don’t blame him for not feeding the frenzy that is me) I have fluctuated between “I love you so much.” to “Fuck you, you asshole!” and everything in between. I didn’t – and still don’t- know how to process all of this.  Every time something sends me off into a tizzy, I rethink everything – the good, the bad and the beyond ugly – and get furious with him all over again. And I don’t hesitate to let him know. He left me after he swore he never would – and made me promise the same. Over. And over. And over.

When I do blast him (I highly doubt my emails even make it to his “in” bin anyway), I feel good – like I’ve lessened my load just a tad – for a short time. A very short while. Then, I feel like absolute shit. Who the hell is this person? Where did she come from? This is exactly the type of behavior the Real Ria abhors.

I hate it.

But . . . as Bob had said to Whoria: “true forces in the universe are not rational, those which seem to be are only human interpretations and rules…” Heh.

Bob said he left because I didn’t “like” him.

I say there really isn’t any better way for him to show how much he disliked me by sticking his fingers, tongue and dick inside another woman. By communicating with her via emails, texts, IMs, phone calls, Skype sessions, meetings, lunches, dinners, car rides, elevators, trains,  and all the other *in person* ways possible for months while he was living with –and engaged to –me.

‘”I set up a trip to NYC, I needed a trip, but I also needed desperately to see you (if you had said you couldn’t make it that day, I would have cancelled or rescheduled). “

I needed to hate him. I needed to hurt him. I know that nothing I have said or ever could say would do either of those. I don’t think I could ever really hate him. What he did? Absolutely.  How he treated me? Of course. And had anything I’ve said that would wound him? No. He doesn’t see any fault in what he has done. All the damage and destruction – he is blind to it. I am the crazy-ass one. I am too ignorant to have a clue. I could never say or do anything that would get thru to the *new* Bob. There is a force field blocking any possibility of understanding what he has done. He told me – to my face – that he had no concept of how I was feeling. He had strung me along – played me – for months in order to protect his career/reputation. Turns out he was helping Vikwhoria along with hers inappropriately and unethically.   “I put your project on the top of my list to have more reason to talk to you.”

Why can’t I hate him? I don’t really know. I can honestly say that there have been only three people in my entire life that I can say that I hated. I think that’s a heavy enough burden enough to carry around. And I never loved any of those people. I never planned on spending the rest of my life intertwined with theirs. Forever.

I regret so very much. I don’t want to regret my six years with Bob. I don’t want him to regret his time spent with me. But I’m afraid that ship has sailed.  I can see it off in the distance.  And it’s already sunk.

Bob? I wanted to be your anchor, but you drowned me instead.

 KurtHalsey

Call me your favorite

truth

Bob and I saw Shinedown and he became an instant super-fan. Me, not so much. (We were there to see the opener, Will Hoge)

(Kind of weird when Googling “Will Hoge Shinedown The Egg” and a photo that I had taken pops up! And apparently had posted here! Duhhh . . .)

He bought all of their CDs and used to play (read: blast) them in the car and in the bathroom while showering. (And on his laptop and I’m sure via his mp3 player . . .)

This song came around on my Pandora station today while I was at work, and it made me stop. And listen. And it’s not perfect, but much of it rings true.

So, as even a shocker to myself, I give you: Shinedown.

“Call Me”

Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that’s the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I’d be able to say
I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend
I’ve said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I’ve tried
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it’s over I’ll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it’s over I don’t want you to hurt
It’s all that I can say. So, I’ll be on my way
I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that’s the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I’ve said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I’ve tried

I’ll always keep you inside, you healed my
Heart and my life… And you know I try.

Apt. 6

Dear Bob:

I know you think that I am cray-cray. Trust me, I get it.

But I also know that somewhere deep inside of you, lies the heart and soul of a man whom I loved immensely that is fully aware of the pain I was/am in. And that guy knows exactly how I got to this place.

I have tried so hard to hate you so that I wouldn’t miss you and wish that you were here with me. Nothing works for very long. I have made a lot of mistakes in my futile attempt to believe that I wouldn’t want you. What a waste of time and energy. What a goddamn waste.

All I really wanted was for you to come home. And all you really wanted to do was run away.

I wanted to reiterate, that the poem that you had written for me(?), is one of thE most beautiful things I’ve ever read.
You had promised me that you would write it out for me and you never did. I wish you had. I’d frame it and slip it between the mattresses that used to be ours. Hidden away, but still close to me.

Buried between the layers, but held deep in my heart.

 caged bird

And then Ryan Adams makes more music

And THAT makes me glad that I am alive.
The light is harsh as it’s breaking through the blinds
Shadows on the wall cross my face in black lines
I’m so disconnected at the foot of the bed
Don’t know what to say, don’t know what I said
Maybe every promise anybody makes is destined for the rocks
The longer it takes
Daylight is so close I can almost taste it
It’s all I got, it’s not right
Everything is broken in my mind
Ain’t no place to run
Ain’t no place to hide
Don’t wanna lose control
Baby I just might
Black candle, fire on the fuse
Shaking in the wind like a lame excuse
Never leave the house, barely leave the room
Got nothing to say, got nothing to prove
Hell is rising in front of my face
I’m free from desires, I rise above the maze
Every step I take, closer to the sun
Darkness is so loud, surrounding everyone
Ghosts dwell in the streets from a hit and run
Keep your head down
Keep your eyes shut tight
Don’t wanna lose control
Baby I just might
Don’t wanna lose control
I just might
Don’t wanna lose control
I just might
I just might
You make a wish, you want it to come true
But somewhere underneath all the hope is the truth
Prayers go unanswered
You’re waiting for the proof
Don’t know what to say
Don’t what to do
Maybe every promise anybody makes is destined for the rocks
The longer it takes
Daylight is so close I can almost taste it
Don’t know what to say, don’t know what I said
Everything is broken in my head
Lost out in the darkness, looking for the light
Think I’m gonna run
Baby I just might
I might
I might
I might
I might

Kitchen kitsch kiss

As I am running around the house and yard, doing my post-work stuff (my post-work work.),
I spotted something that reminds me of Bob. And of Bob and me.
And I started asking myself aloud why on the day he moved out, I didn’t say what I had wanted to:
“Please don’t leave me. Please stay. Please tell me you made a huge mistake and that you still love me. Please…please don’t choose her over me…Please. You are breaking my heart.”
And I’m balling my eyes out. Again.
I think I knew he was going to say “No.” And and I couldn’t bear it if he had.
God. This is so hard.

I think I am trying so hard to hate him so that I am OK with him not being here.

image

Are you there?
Screaming in the night
Somewhere
Hanging from the side
Feel the sunlight
The sunlight on my face
It’s cold out here
Lost in outer spaceJust so you know
You will always be the hardest thing I will let go
Driving past your church and all the houses in a row
The feeling in my chest is fire
Broken glass and wire

See my smile?
I’m thinking of the days
Light reflecting in your eyes
It was never the same

I wanna lie down
I wanna ride in your car
You can take me anywhere
Roll us into heaven I don’t care

Just so you know
You will always be the hardest thing I will let go
Driving past your church and all the houses in a row
The feeling in my chest is fire

Just so you know
Don’t let anybody tell you
You can’t say
What you want
I can hear you
Are you on your way?
The feeling in my chest is fire
It feels like fire
Broken glass and wire
It feels like fire

I feel a scream
Someplace in my chest
And I pour my thoughts
Down the drain in my head

The lens is broke
There ain’t no one inside
Staring through the screen
Looking back at my fucking life

Just so you know
You will always be the hardest thing I will let go
Driving past your church and all the houses in a row
The feeling in my chest is fire

Just so you know
Don’t let anybody tell you
You can’t say
What you want
I can hear you
Are you on your way?
Someone take me home tonight
It feels like fire
It feels like fire
It feels like fire
Broken glass and wire

~DRA ♡

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9 Signs that She’s the One

riri1124:

I was this . . .
but it wasn’t enough for Bob.
I guess for him, there’s a “10.” that was more important.

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:

IMG_5092-0.PNG

1. She’s open to your signs of weakness.
Just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean that you always have to suck it up. I mean, I’m not talking about whiny people who complain and grumble about everything. I’m talking about cases when work is really draining you out or you’re simply feeling down. She doesn’t expect you to be a Superman, but instead lends you her shoulder to rest on. She encourages you and stands by you even in times of difficulty.

2. She’s willing to improve.
She knows that she’s not perfect and is willing to make improvement where it’s necessary. She’s not stubborn to her ways, and knows when to apologize for her mistakes. She’s wise to accept her areas of growth, which makes her even a more mature and wiser person than when you first met her.

3. She accepts you for who you are.
She…

View original 522 more words

All part of Bob’s “game”

man-cheating-sexting-main1

From June 9, 2013

An excerpt from him to Viktoria:

The night after our conversation in the train station, as we parted, I felt horrible the entire train ride home.  I so desperately wanted to telephone you and say things to you that I am still afraid to say in terms of how I feel about you.  Not knowing what else to do, I texted you a smiley face to see if you at least acknowledged it to know it would be safe to call, but my phone battery died, and i had no phone for two and a half hours of panic wondering if you replied, ignored me, told me to go away….it was the longest most uncomfortable 2 hours of my life.  When I got back to Albany and plugged my phone into my car, about half way back i had enough power to be able to turn the phone on.  The returned smile was the perfect response.  I knew everything would be okay, and the next day when you told me that we could talk but no discussions of dividing flatware or plates, I knew that you felt the same. > > I can’t believe that I am telling you all of this, but as you said about “feeling at home”….  I have never been this open in my life…that’s why I always hid behind my writing.

Awesome, eh? Who wouldn’t love to see that written by their fiance to another woman? No wonder I’m so fucked up.

“No Longer What You Require”

Bob and I were at the above show; front row. You can probably (aka absolutely certain) hear me singing.   :)  “Collide” was *our * song…
We had it all
We were young lovers
We were full of trust and faith
We were dead set on making
It last forever
Forever and a day
I recall it was fall last year
When it started to die
Standing still
As the temperature kills
The summer’s thrills
That were keeping it alive
The days got colder
So I held you closer
In effort to save us some time
Almost like the wind came
And ruined the spark
And left us in the dark
But hey,
I could’ve told you
That I loved you and stayed
Around to kindle the fire
I’m no longer what you require
But I was late on my return
And now you’ve lost all faith
And I am the liar
I’m no longer what you require
I still feel you at night
Turning in the sheets
When I turn out the light
That’s how it goes
The ghost of your first love
Won’t ever leave you
Till the day that you die
I won’t ever live down
Leaving her behind
Even if the choice was the right one
It was a good thing
Staring me right in the face
But I turned and ran away
In the dying light

I’m no longer what you require
I’m no longer what you require
No longer

~ Howie Day