And then Ryan Adams makes more music

And THAT makes me glad that I am alive.
The light is harsh as it’s breaking through the blinds
Shadows on the wall cross my face in black lines
I’m so disconnected at the foot of the bed
Don’t know what to say, don’t know what I said
Maybe every promise anybody makes is destined for the rocks
The longer it takes
Daylight is so close I can almost taste it
It’s all I got, it’s not right
Everything is broken in my mind
Ain’t no place to run
Ain’t no place to hide
Don’t wanna lose control
Baby I just might
Black candle, fire on the fuse
Shaking in the wind like a lame excuse
Never leave the house, barely leave the room
Got nothing to say, got nothing to prove
Hell is rising in front of my face
I’m free from desires, I rise above the maze
Every step I take, closer to the sun
Darkness is so loud, surrounding everyone
Ghosts dwell in the streets from a hit and run
Keep your head down
Keep your eyes shut tight
Don’t wanna lose control
Baby I just might
Don’t wanna lose control
I just might
Don’t wanna lose control
I just might
I just might
You make a wish, you want it to come true
But somewhere underneath all the hope is the truth
Prayers go unanswered
You’re waiting for the proof
Don’t know what to say
Don’t what to do
Maybe every promise anybody makes is destined for the rocks
The longer it takes
Daylight is so close I can almost taste it
Don’t know what to say, don’t know what I said
Everything is broken in my head
Lost out in the darkness, looking for the light
Think I’m gonna run
Baby I just might
I might
I might
I might
I might

Kitchen kitsch kiss

As I am running around the house and yard, doing my post-work stuff (my post-work work.),
I spotted something that reminds me of Bob. And of Bob and me.
And I started asking myself aloud why on the day he moved out, I didn’t say what I had wanted to:
“Please don’t leave me. Please stay. Please tell me you made a huge mistake and that you still love me. Please…please don’t choose her over me…Please. You are breaking my heart.”
And I’m balling my eyes out. Again.
I think I knew he was going to say “No.” And and I couldn’t bear it if he had.
God. This is so hard.

I think I am trying so hard to hate him so that I am OK with him not being here.

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Are you there?
Screaming in the night
Somewhere
Hanging from the side
Feel the sunlight
The sunlight on my face
It’s cold out here
Lost in outer space

Just so you know
You will always be the hardest thing I will let go
Driving past your church and all the houses in a row
The feeling in my chest is fire
Broken glass and wire

See my smile?
I’m thinking of the days
Light reflecting in your eyes
It was never the same

I wanna lie down
I wanna ride in your car
You can take me anywhere
Roll us into heaven I don’t care

Just so you know
You will always be the hardest thing I will let go
Driving past your church and all the houses in a row
The feeling in my chest is fire

Just so you know
Don’t let anybody tell you
You can’t say
What you want
I can hear you
Are you on your way?
The feeling in my chest is fire
It feels like fire
Broken glass and wire
It feels like fire

I feel a scream
Someplace in my chest
And I pour my thoughts
Down the drain in my head

The lens is broke
There ain’t no one inside
Staring through the screen
Looking back at my fucking life

Just so you know
You will always be the hardest thing I will let go
Driving past your church and all the houses in a row
The feeling in my chest is fire

Just so you know
Don’t let anybody tell you
You can’t say
What you want
I can hear you
Are you on your way?
Someone take me home tonight
It feels like fire
It feels like fire
It feels like fire
Broken glass and wire

~DRA ♡

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9 Signs that She’s the One

riri1124:

I was this . . .
but it wasn’t enough for Bob.
I guess for him, there’s a “10.” that was more important.

Originally posted on The Fickle Heartbeat:

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1. She’s open to your signs of weakness.
Just because you’re a guy doesn’t mean that you always have to suck it up. I mean, I’m not talking about whiny people who complain and grumble about everything. I’m talking about cases when work is really draining you out or you’re simply feeling down. She doesn’t expect you to be a Superman, but instead lends you her shoulder to rest on. She encourages you and stands by you even in times of difficulty.

2. She’s willing to improve.
She knows that she’s not perfect and is willing to make improvement where it’s necessary. She’s not stubborn to her ways, and knows when to apologize for her mistakes. She’s wise to accept her areas of growth, which makes her even a more mature and wiser person than when you first met her.

3. She accepts you for who you are.
She…

View original 522 more words

All part of Bob’s “game”

man-cheating-sexting-main1

From June 9, 2013

An excerpt from him to Viktoria:

The night after our conversation in the train station, as we parted, I felt horrible the entire train ride home.  I so desperately wanted to telephone you and say things to you that I am still afraid to say in terms of how I feel about you.  Not knowing what else to do, I texted you a smiley face to see if you at least acknowledged it to know it would be safe to call, but my phone battery died, and i had no phone for two and a half hours of panic wondering if you replied, ignored me, told me to go away….it was the longest most uncomfortable 2 hours of my life.  When I got back to Albany and plugged my phone into my car, about half way back i had enough power to be able to turn the phone on.  The returned smile was the perfect response.  I knew everything would be okay, and the next day when you told me that we could talk but no discussions of dividing flatware or plates, I knew that you felt the same. > > I can’t believe that I am telling you all of this, but as you said about “feeling at home”….  I have never been this open in my life…that’s why I always hid behind my writing.

Awesome, eh? Who wouldn’t love to see that written by their fiance to another woman? No wonder I’m so fucked up.

“No Longer What You Require”

Bob and I were at the above show; front row. You can probably (aka absolutely certain) hear me singing.   :)  “Collide” was *our * song…
We had it all
We were young lovers
We were full of trust and faith
We were dead set on making
It last forever
Forever and a day
I recall it was fall last year
When it started to die
Standing still
As the temperature kills
The summer’s thrills
That were keeping it alive
The days got colder
So I held you closer
In effort to save us some time
Almost like the wind came
And ruined the spark
And left us in the dark
But hey,
I could’ve told you
That I loved you and stayed
Around to kindle the fire
I’m no longer what you require
But I was late on my return
And now you’ve lost all faith
And I am the liar
I’m no longer what you require
I still feel you at night
Turning in the sheets
When I turn out the light
That’s how it goes
The ghost of your first love
Won’t ever leave you
Till the day that you die
I won’t ever live down
Leaving her behind
Even if the choice was the right one
It was a good thing
Staring me right in the face
But I turned and ran away
In the dying light

I’m no longer what you require
I’m no longer what you require
No longer

~ Howie Day

Can’t sleep

I hate what Bob did.
I hate what he did to me.
I hate what he did to family and friends.
I don’t hate him tho I really have every right and reason to.
I tried my level best to.
Mostly tho, I wanted to hate him so that I wouldn’t miss him.
I didn’t want to be so despondent because he never came home.
I hoped hating the love of my life would be easy since he hurt me so badly.
“How’s that workin’ for ya, Ri?”
Not so great.
Not so great.
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These Four Walls

riri1124:

God . . . how I wish that Bob had written these very same things/thoughts about me . . .

Originally posted on Tell Me Something Beautiful:

Sometimes I feel too much. I can feel my emotions pooling inside me, ready to spill out over my edges into my apartment. They flood the floor, seeping into my carpet and flowing all the way to the edges of my walls. These four walls. The place where I am contained, where my emotions are contained and where I feel the pulsating beat of my life emanating from within me and threatening to break through everything around me. I remember her. I remember her standing there, while the wind was blowing through her hair. I remember the sound of the train approaching, and I remember our very first kiss. I remember the way she used to come up behind me and hold me gently while I was brushing my teeth in the mornings. I remember every single road trip we’ve ever taken, and how she’d gently rest her head on…

View original 256 more words

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” ~ Queen Elizabeth II

So bizarre because last week I had a dream that Bob and I were on a Ferris wheel . . .

So bizarre because last week I had a dream that Bob and I were on a Ferris wheel . . .

I was so very shocked, saddened, and disrespected by Bob’s affair that I almost ended my life due to the overwhelming, relentless and profound pain caused by his actions, as well as his words.

I have been battling the heartbreak as best as I am able. In that process, as with most people grieving an unfathomable loss, my sorrow turned to anger.  I have said – verbally as well as written – some extremely heinous things to Bob.

None of it would have ever have even crossed my mind, and if it had, I wouldn’t have dealt with it in such a dreadfully cruel manner. Thing is, I was/am just trying to figure out how he could have been so manipulative, hypocritical and indecent. So I ran with information others gave to me and tried to rationalize his irrational behavior. In trying so hard NOT to hate him even though he broke me, I ended up hating myself.

Then I learned that I thought he was someone different than who he turned out to be.  He hid so much. Lied so much. Maybe I felt as though he was just slinking away from the damage that he caused far too easily and I wanted to try to hurt him as badly as he did me.

But that will NEVER be possible. NEVER.

I’ve emailed him. A LOT. I don’t know what else to do with all of this rage and wretchedness. It feels great to unload it for a little while, then, all I do is feel like absolute shit.

I am NOT a callous gobshite. I am NOT a heartless bitch.  I am NOT an unsympathetic asshole.

I LOVED THAT MAN AND HE DESTROYED ME.

Am I bitter? Hell yes. Am I enraged? Yup. Am I disheartened? Damn straight.  But I am working so.very.hard. to try to understand all of that and whether I ever meant anything to him or not; if I did, of course I know I no longer do, and I haven’t in well over a year. Possibly a lot longer. And there’s not a thing I can do – or here’s the REAL kicker – there’s not anything I COULD HAVE DONE to change his mind.

God. THAT is a real heartbreaker.

I truly loved him. That much, I know for sure.

It feels beyond shitty to have been duped, but I need to stop acting like someone that at my core, I am not. And never have been. And never wanted to be. If today was my last day on this Earth, I don’t want it to be riddled with anguish and guilt.

I am so very sorry for the things that I have said. Thing is, is he sorry for what he did?

*sigh*

Right . . .

Promises, promises . . .