“Honey”

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I have been destroyed by another human being.
A man that I loved cheated on me after six years of swearing it was the last thing he’d ever do.
Time and time and time again, he would threaten to hurt my ex husband because he had hurt me so badly.
Thing is, after 20 years, my ex husband and I had grown up and apart and I didn’t love him anymore.
Not so with Bob.
He didn’t give me a chance to stop loving him. He left the house on Thursday, June 13th; I loved him that morning and for months and months and months afterward.
Day after day after day, he swore that he loved me and that nothing would ever come between us.
But someone did.
And the dozens upon dozens of inappropriate and overtly sexual emails caused me to try to take my own life.
Not only had he lied to me, he duped his employer by playing with grant monies and travel budgets so he could fuck his employee.
Twice I was hospitalized.
A man did this to me.
A man.
(I felt like the actress? model? in the movie “7”, when after the creeper cut her up, left her with a phone in one hand and a bottle of pills in the other.
She chose death.)
A guy that was a dead man walking when I met him.
For weeks I helped him thru the darkest depression I had ever imagined anyone could suffer. Hernia surgery, rotator cuff repair (one of the worst the surgeon had ever seen), bronchitis, pneumonia, sinusitis, colds & flus, quitting smoking after 30 years . . . I was there for him.
For months, then years, we had a pretty great life. We were that couple people said were perfect for each other; so happy and in love . . .
Until her.
And I beat myself up for not saying something when I first saw the email where she implores him: “Take me away from all this!”
And when he pronounced her name at the dinner table, all the syllables unnuciated carefully – his eyes closed and fluttering like he sometimes does to prove a point – why didn’t I ask why he was grinning so?
“VikWhoRia Popover Raunchy”
No – not her real name exactly; it’s what I like to refer to her as; just a lil’ play on words…
Well, we all refer to her as “slut” or “cuntface” or “cum dumpster” sometimes, too. ( And for serious. . .the emails don’t lie.Β  . .)
But my real issue is with Bob.
And I lie here in the bed we shared and I wonder just how someone could be so hypocritical and himself be cruel, devious, immoral and destructive and just carry on as if it was just how you do.Β  (Watching The Wire on HBO GO)
But. . .
I really did love him and believed in him.
He killed the person I was to the point where I could no longer stand to wake up every day; it’s all just too much.
He doesn’t care about you, Ria is what I have heard over and over for two years.
And I cannot begin to explain just how much grief that has brought to me.
I can’t bear the weight of it.
He broke me.
Heart, soul, mind, body.

Btw, please watch the Netflix series ” Grace and Frankie”. It’s phenomenal and some of the dialogue is spot fucking on.

So maybe someday someone will find these ramblings and it might click with them.
Maybe someday.
Maybe.
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