Oh Brother.


I received an email from my brother, who told me that I need to “snap out of it” and “you have to help yourself.”

This is my reply:

None of this has been easy.

To be made to feel insignificant, invisible, unimportant and disposable is very bad way to be.

To be deceived, betrayed, belittled, disrespected and played by someone I had put my entire faith and trust in is a soul-crushing, gut-wrenching and heartbreaking experience for me. I tried to be a good person; a decent woman. I’m left with a whore’s disease and a brain overflowing with bad thoughts.

There is no joy in self-pity nor wallowing. There is no enjoyment in grief. This is not fun.

These are truths.

I thought I had finally found someone who valued me as a human being and saw my worth and what I had to offer. I thought someone was finally hearing my voice.

I thought I finally mattered. I was happy.

Turns out, I was wrong.

None of the ways this all makes me feel is anything that I want to stay stuck in.

There are those of us that don’t bounce back quite as easily as others.

Unfortunately for me, I am one of them.

I know you don’t understand it; but it truly isn’t something that I can “snap out of”. Trust me, I have tried, time and time again.


I think those people that are totally stunned by suicide, or worse yet, don’t “understand” it are the most fortunate people on the planet. Whenever I hear someone say “How could someone do that? How bad do things have to be?” . . .  I think: count your lucky stars.


2 thoughts on “Oh Brother.

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  1. Grief is a strong force to reckon with, and everyone works through it in their own time. You’re still here, you’re still fighting – even though there are days that you want to give up, you haven’t. That says something about you and your character and your determination. Your e-mail is a lot nicer than what I would have replied with. He needs to stop and look at how hard you’re working to stay with this world and this pain, despite the gut-wrenching heartache you remember and deal with on a daily basis.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. He doesn’t know everything, because honestly, I was afraid of what he might do.
      Oddly enough, he and Bob work a mile from each other in Manhattan.
      Still tho, he just doesn’t understand. The things he said make me feel like an even bigger failure. Like, what is wrong with me that I can’t just blow this whole experience off? Why does it affect me so deeply? I just hate everything about this. So. Much.


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