“And you put the load right on me. . .”

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I put all my faith, hope, dreams and wishes into to us. In the beginning of our relationship, you used to get so frustrated, annoyed and angry when I wouldn’t believe all the wonderful things that you were saying to me, about me, and about our life together.

After so many times and go rounds, I finally started to trust you. I let my guard down and gave in.
But then… you had an affair. And I found out. And my world broke apart in a billion pieces. My heart, my body, my soul, my mind… forever changed.

You sacrificed your reputation and your career for her. You acted inappropriately. You abused your employer. You manipulated funds and lied about her qualifications. And . . .best part? She was in on it and went right along; she had no problem with misappropriation of the budget you had been given. She had no issues with screwing over the college because she benefited directly.
You had changed.

Bob, don’t you even remember all those things you promised me? Don’t you have any recollection of the hundreds of times you told me I was the love of your life? I gave you everything that I had to give – you asked me to – you begged me to. You swore to me that you would never hurt me.

So here I am, still crying, still in pain, and still wondering just what the fuck I ever did to deserve this treatment from you.

I remember so much. . .
I can feel your breath on my neck as you whisper that you never knew such happiness. . .your life couldn’t possibly be any better. . .you were still amazed that we found each other. . .

You don’t see how I can still wywh.
When our eyes met and you saw that I had been crying, you actually looked surprised.
That absolutely shocked me.
Was our six years just a throwaway to you?
Rhetorical. . . got it.
How could you not know that you devastated me?
I wasn’t just bullshitting you about my love and commitment.

How could you not think that I didn’t want to break up?
I didn’t want you to move out.

But . . .you did.
And some 700 posts later, I still am unable to fully articulate the weight of that knowledge.

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