Bob meant so very much to me.
I trusted him and believed everything he swore to me.
I was so afraid of the love I felt; the depth and the comfort.
For a while I didn’t think it could be real.
How could this finally happen after so many years?
He would get exasperated, roll his eyes and throw his hands up in the air and literally do a 180.
“I AM NOT TONY! You are the love of my life and I will never hurt you! I could never hurt you! It hurts me because you won’t believe me! I love you so much baby. We are soulmates and we are going to be together forever. No one has ever loved me the way that you do. My life is complete with you in it. ”
So I trusted and hoped and told him secrets and fears and dreams – things no one else ever knew, and he told me that he was never going to leave me; that I would never “get rid of him”.
Our home and especially our bed became our place of warmth, comfort, safety and passion.
For six years. A long time. A million memories.
He used to always say that we were beginning to think alike and asked me if that scared me. Always jokingly and with a smile. . .
I wish we still thought alike. If so, things would be a whole lot different. . .
I cried a lot today. Like, a lot.
And I can’t believe it myself.
Some days I think too much.
Some days I can’t breathe.
I don’t know why this happened.
I don’t know what I did to deserve it.
Some days the pain is overwhelming.
Some days I wish I was dead.