A thousand pages

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I understand why Infinite Jest is so many pages.
There’s just so much to try to say…to try to convey so that it’s understood…

You want people to get how and why you feel the things that you do – or you don’t – so they maybe can just…I don’t know… get you? Have some empathy but not because (as Cake’s “The Distance” comes on…) you want it so much for yourself as you do for them to get why it’s just too hard sometimes and there’s nothing they can do.
It just is.
And it’s cruel and unfair and there’s no rhyme or reason.
You just keep writing and writing…
That’s exactly what one coworker in particular keeps telling me. “Keep writing it out.”Β  He knows I am hanging in the balance. I am trying so hard to get it right.
You just want to leave behind some sort of …
Reason when really, there isn’t one.
People can be evil and mean and disingenuous. And they will hurt you. That one person that swore would never would, does. There is this ridiculous notion that person is the only one who can fix it… And that absolutely absurd feeling makes you feel even more pathetic and insane because it’s just so fucking wrong.

And sometimes, it’s just all too much.

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