LOTS and LOTS

Gaiman

My blog had a banner week, thanks to my response to the challenge proposed to me by stilllearning2b. Well, not really because of my response, but because of her awesome blog.

In all honesty, I felt a tad weirded out by it. I mean, LOTS and LOTS of hits.  (I love how Word wants me to correct that to “many”. Nope. LOTS and LOTS it is, tyvm Bill & Co.)

I started this blog as a form of therapy after the break-up of a six-year relationship that I thought was leading to a lifelong partner. More than a “partner”, truly. A love. A lover. A friend. A rock. A confidante. A husband. A companion. A sounding board. A soulmate. 

I mean, that’s what he had told me – pledged, vowed, swore to me – over and over and over. LOTS and LOTS.  

This man, Bob, promised me the moon and left me with nothing but dust. Physically alerted with a permanent disease, emotionally a ridiculous basket case, crestfallen beyond belief, soul beaten down to the epitome of despair  . . .  that’s what he had done.

So I wrote.

And I wrote some more.

And again and again.

LOTS and LOTS.

I can’t believe how much poured out of me, and how often.

I made it public (most of the time, altho hundreds of posts are “private” now) but never really intended – or  imagined – that anyone would read it. But they did. And they have. And they continue to do so.

And I thank you.

Maybe it will help you or someone you know and/or care about.

Maybe you read it to feel better about your own relationship because mine ended in such an absolute clusterfuck.

Maybe you want to see if I really off myself after all.

Maybe you think I’m an eejit and it’s just entertaining.

Maybe you actually care about me.

I don’t know – probably all of those come into play  I would imagine.

But I can tell you this: this blog has been read thousands and thousands of times. Probably been read for every time I’ve cried over what Bob did to me.

That’s a fucking lot.

LOTS and LOTS.

I never thought it would be read that often, just as I never thought I could possibly shed so many tears.

Both seem a bit unreal  – maybe even surreal  – and a bit crazy to me sometimes. But both happened; both are true.

And I thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, regardless of why – and I hope someday Bob reads all of this and maybe then he will understand just how much he destroyed another human being. And I don’t really think he ever would do either of those things, but today . . . right now

I just do wish it.

LOTS AND LOTS.

It won’t make a bit of difference to him, but for me . . . 

this blog has been my salvation.

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “LOTS and LOTS

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  1. First of all…crestfallen…fantastic word, love that word. Your posts are beautiful because they’re honest, in a world that rarely is. Being that you quotes Neil Gamon…you may really appreciate Amanda Fucking Palmer’s Ted Talk. Inspirational. Slightly unrelated but it’s about trust and connection. 😌💖 Sending you gratitude for your continued bravery 💜

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    1. Thank you so very much for the compliments as well as the suggestion. This is hard, you know? God – how I loved that man and God – how stupid I feel most of the time. Your kind words keep me moving forward. xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

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